I have been having a really hard time lately with going to
church on Sundays.
I love aspects of my
church, Carla (the rector), other members and the church sanctuary but I miss the praise music of
the churches that I attended in my Pentecostal past. The guitars and drums of a Calvary Chapel or
even the modern praise music that the Presbyterian Church I attended screened
with an overhead projector onto the wall.
Don't get me wrong, I do love hymns but I miss “good old raise
your hands in the air” praise music and that combined with the repetitive rituals, has made me feel stagnat and just going through the motions. Carla's sermons are always thought provoking but it is hard to attend every Sunday just for that.
Yet I managed to drag myself to church this past Sunday as I
have done for several Sundays now, reluctantly.
There in my pew, near the back, God reached me. Carla’s sermon this past Sunday was just what
I needed without knowing I even needed it.
She stood in the aisle, not in the pulpit, and talked about the elements
of the service. She explained them in a
way that I had never even considered. I
wish I could remember each and every thing she said. She talked about the rites of the Episcopal
Church in a way that made me understand that they were meant to be more than
routine rituals that we perform. They
are meant to make us think, reflect, and strengthen our relationship with God. They are not static but rituals of
action. They require something of us and
if we treat them as merely mindless rituals then church can easily become rote
and stagnant.
Just hearing this and
understanding that I needed to change the way I was looking at church, opened a
door for me. During a simple song where
we repeat a chorus of “Alleluia” after each verse, I found myself raising my hands in praise. At first I was a bit tentative, my hands were just a little but in the air but as I let
myself feel the words both hands were soon raised high.
It did not feel entirely comfortable. I felt a little self-conscious. It may take a little time before I am entirely able to just let go.
It felt good. It felt active. It felt right.
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