Knowing and not knowing

As I approached the city of Seattle this morning on my commute in, my work building and some of the other taller buildings’ tops were hidden by the marine layer. I could only see about ¾ of my work building and yet I had certainty that the rest of the building was there. This made me think of faith and how I believe in a God that I have never seen but I have the certainty in my heart that He not only exists but that He loves me.


Faith is defined in Hebrews 11:1 as “…the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen”.


After pondering the mystery of the marine mist for a moment more I returned to my book. The next part that I read gave me chills as it perfectly coincided with what I had just been thinking. The chapter is titled knowing and not knowing. The passage that just really hit me was: “Great spirituality is always seeking a balance between opposites, a very subtle but creative balance. As William Johnston once said, ‘Faith is the breakthrough into that deep realm of the soul which accepts parable with humility.’ When you go to one side or the other too much, you find yourself either overly righteous or overly skeptical and cynical. There must be a healthy middle…as we try to hold both the needed light and the necessary darkness”.


It hit me that, more times than not, I get caught up in finding the answers to the BIG questions and thus end up being overly righteous. It is a constant battle for me to just say that I don’t know. To understand and acknowledge that God’s mind is beyond mine and that I am not sure of the WHY. I so count on reason and intelligence to get me through when really the only thing that will truly rescue me is faith.

John Donne said that “Reason is our soul's left hand, Faith her right. We need them both. 


It is easy for me to admit that I do not have all the answers. What is continually hard for me to accept is that I may never find those answer or that they are beyond my understanding. Thinking is my hobby, the thing I love most to do, and to accept that I cannot think my way through to some resolution, some standpoint, to some substantial answer, that is humbling and often disconcerting. Yet humility is what Jesus was all about. Most times He did not give answers but responded to a question with a parable or another question. He wanted people to wrestle with things and to have faith. Matthew tells us that Jesus said that if we could just have faith in the amount of a mustard seed we could move mountains, that nothing was impossible.


So my Monday finds me at peace in my office. I have already been up to the 40th floor, above the mist, and guess what, that part of the building that I could not see from the street, exists.

Falling in Love with Jesus

I have been thinking about the differences in who I am as a Christian now juxtaposed to who I was in high school and college.  I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was a junior in high school at the Baptist Church I was attending.  I remember the altar call and the song that was playing - “Just as I Am.”  I went forward, knelt and Pastor Gosnell prayed with me.  It was real and I felt it but my relationship with Jesus was a mixture of adoration and fear.  Knowing I was gay and wanting to change that was part of the motivation for my salvation.  I thought if I could just accept Jesus into my heart I would be saved from both eternal damnation and what I thought at the time was a perversion.  I served God out of fear and not so much out of love. 

I accepted Jesus as my Savior again in the spring of 2009 and this time I did it completely out of love.  I fell in love and am continually re-falling in love with Jesus.  The closer I get to God the more I feel the desire to fall down on my face in adoration and praise.  It is not about religion for me - it is not about being a sinner in need of saving.  It is about relationship with a God who loved me so much that He stepped down from His throne to take human form, be tortured and nailed to a cross.  Jesus died for me. 

So I am a very different Christian then I was in my youth.  It is not just about the truth of Jesus for me anymore but the real relationship I have with Him.  It is the day to day of serving and loving a God who never leaves my side. 

 Oh how great is our God.  

Here are the lyrics to a great song that I love.

Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet 
It ought to be

(CHORUS)
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

Give me words
I'll misuse them
Obligations
I'll misplace them 
'Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It's gotta be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

It's like I'm falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me
It's gotta be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love
It's gotta be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love
It's like I'm falling, oh
I'm falling in falling
It's like I'm falling

Apathy or Action

I have been thinking a lot lately about my responsibilites as a follower of Jesus.  Is my life one that reflects Christ?  Do my actions match what I profess to belief?  Jesus is pretty clear on what is expected of us.  We know that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, take care of the marginalized, feed the hungry, give to the poor and etc. 

In 1 John 3:17 we are told:  "How does God’s love abide in anyone who has the world’s goods and sees a brother or sister in need and yet refuses help?"  Pretty clear.  This is not just a New Testament command either.  In Proverbs 14:31 it states:  "Those who oppress the poor insult their Maker, but those who are kind to the needy honor him."

If I am honest with myself I am just not living up to what Jesus expects from me.  Sure I tithe to my church and other charities but the words of this great Matthew West song keeps popping into my head.  Here are the lyrics. 

"My Own Little World"

In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I've never gone hungry, always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet
In my own little world: population -- me
I try to stay awake during Sunday morning church
I throw a twenty in the plate but I never give 'til it hurts
And I turn off the news when I don't like what I see
It's easy to do when its population -- me
What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose?
I could be living right now
Outside my own little world
Stopped till the red light, looked out my window
I saw a cardboard sign said, "Help this homeless widow"
And just above that sign was the face of a human
I thought to myself, "God, what have I been doing?"
So I rolled down the window and I looked her in the eye
Oh, how many times have I just passed her by?
I gave her some money then I drove on through
And my own little world reached population two
Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
Put Your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me
I don't wanna miss what matters
I wanna be reaching out
Show me the greater purpose
So I can start living right now
Outside my own little world, my own little world, my own little world

That is truly what my prayer has been lately - Father, break my heart for what breaks yours.  I sent this line or some version of it to a friend recently and she said that it really hit her hard.  It should hit all of us hard.  I know it does me.