Gideon

I am hard headed. If you know me at all you know a truer statement could not be made. I get so bogged down, so lost in my own head that I can’t hear God’s voice much less see the ways in which He is trying to lead me.

Since turning 50 a couple of months ago I have been feeling a bit directionless and lost. Asking for God’s direction in my life has become the focus of my prayers and this loss of direction has consumed my thoughts during the day as well as the night when it has caused me a great deal of insomnia. I found myself wondering why God was not answering me. Turns out He was providing the answers and the direction but as usual, He had to basically smack me upside the head to get me to listen and see.

What it took so long for me to see what that He has brought several people into my life in the last couple of weeks that I found myself ministering to or supporting in one way or another, sometimes with just listening, sometimes with prayer and often times with both. When I say several I mean more than just a few. For those who are not so quite hard headed it may have only taken one and for most, maybe a couple but for me it took 5 separate incidences.

5

I want to share with you the last incidence - my AHA moment. I went to a reading by a young gay Christian author on Monday night. The book is “Does Jesus Really Love Me” by Jeff Chu. It is a powerful and courageous thought provoking book and the reading was great but what really moved me was the question and answer period after. I had asked a question about emergent churches and had identified myself as having been a Pentecostal. Later a man who was sitting behind me also asked a question and stated that he was a member of a Pentecostal church. After the Q & A was over I introduced myself to this guy, Tony, and we began to talk. As he was telling me his story his eyes filled with tears and he revealed to me that he had been considering suicide. He just could not reconcile his beliefs and his homosexuality. I too, started to cry and shared with him that I too had at one time thought very seriously about suicide and actually had attempted it. I too, at that time could not reconcile how I believed with who I was and this seemed the only way out. This was a horrible, dark time in my life so I could feel and understand his pain.

The thing is, and what I will be hoping and praying for Tony to realize is, that we are all children of God. I am a child of God and you are a child of God and Tony is a child of God. Nothing can change that. God doesn’t even need us to believe in Him to make that true. It just is. It took me almost 20 years, a lot of people praying for me and a failed suicide attempt to get to this point - again the hard headedness plays a part BUT I am here and I am testifying that I know this to be true. God loves me and accepts me for who I am and He is willing to keep trying to get through to me no matter how dense I am.

Pray for me and pray for Tony. Ask God to guide me in my relationship with this man and that I can serve Him by supporting Tony and helping him to realize just how big and amazing God is and that there is a place for EVERYONE at the table.

Oh and if you don’t know the story of Gideon - google it or you can find it in the Bible in the 6th chapter of Judges.