Milestone Reflection or Midlife Crisis?

I turned 50 a little over a month ago and at the time I must have been too busy to really ruminate on it until NOW.  The past week has found me contemplating my life and the fact that, statistically speaking, more of it is behind me than in front of me.  

There is a line in an Indigo Girls song that says:  "Every five years or so I look back on my life, And I have a good laugh".  The last 5 years for me has brought several changes - most of them major, including selling our house and picking up and moving to Vashon Island but the biggest one of all was the fact that I returned to a faith in God/Christ that I had attempted to abandon almost two decades earlier.  

Music and reading are two of my favorite pastimes and I find that God speaks to me through lyrics and the written word.  My return to faith was brought on by attending a performance of the Indigo Girls and the lyrics of the Amy Ray song - Let It Ring.  "I'm gonna let it ring to Jesus cause I know He loves me too and I get down on my knees and I pray the same as you".  In that instant a peace washed over me and I had an Apostle Paul conversion so to speak.  I realized that God had been there all along and as much as I tried to convince myself of His un-existence, I just couldn't.  I am reading a great book right now penned by a Christian journalist who happens to be Gay titled: Does Jesus Really Love Me? and the following line struck me.  "I doubt. A lot" And yet I can't not believe in God". 

So all of this leads up to the point of this entry which is to say that I am feeling a bit unsettled with this big milestone birthday but not quite sure why I am feeling this way.  My prayers this week have been a lot of just listening- trying to feel God's presence and to figure out what I am missing that is making me feel so lost.  One realization I had is that, even though I have a wonderful church, I am needing a friend (on island) that I can hang out with and talk about issues regarding faith and my walk with Christ.  I have good friends off island that I can share with but finding a person of faith close to my own age on island is challenging and may be impossible.  I have reached out to someone who attends my church and with whom I have a lot in common but church attendance on Vashon does not always equate with belief.  However I remain optomistic and believe that God's hand is in all of this and that if I am faithful and follow He will surely lead.   

So in this time of what appears to be some sort of mid-life crisis for me, I ask for your prayers of peace and understanding.  And don't worry I am not going out and buying a convertible but I have been thinking about a motorcycle.